Mistreated

This is a very personal blog for me and contains some very sensitive issues which is very unusual for me to put on display, I wrote it and got all emotional having memories flood back, I thought it should be posted. Hope it isn't too dark ......

Mistreated

Always have been mistreated

Ended up feeling defeated

Chewed up, spat out, fuck it secreted

Never known trust, always been deceited

Requested,added, then fucking deleted

As time went by, I filled with hate

Fucked up, fucked over, and fucking raped

All I wished for was a clean slate

Not my heart ripped out

Given back on a plate

Wanted to scream and shout

A twisted hand of fate

For me it's too late

Is this my destiny?

What else could go wrong? and what is left for me?

No faith but please pray for my life

As I attempt to end it with this knife

Cutting away my troubles and strife

Feeling myself start to bleed

To help me help to feed

A tension relieving need

deep in my head

Was planted a seed

Making me believe I should be dead
Bleeding blood, blood bled
Slowly removing all my dread
As I blood soaks into the sheets on my bed
Body feeling heavy as lead
Sat facing my demise
Closing my eyes
Laying down I try to cry
Waiting to die
This has happened from all the shit
I put up with and got expected to cope with it
No more can I, So wrists I slit
No more chances
No more hits
No second glances
As I lay or sit
In self pity, In my pit
One thing I will admit
I never had heard any honesty
Negativity, drilled in to me constantly
I got fuck all to lose
Had no choices, I did not choose
Daily beatings and sexual abuse
Abused, hurt and confused
At 12yrs and my wish was for a noose
Maybe this was how it was meant to be
It affected me bad mentally
Never knew how it felt to have someone close to me
Truth I kid not, Totally
So this is how it's going to end
No true love, No true friend
If I am reincarnated probably happen again
And slowly I drift to sleep
Slit wrists and blood soaked sheets
So so cold, can't feel no heat
Too weak to even weep
All I feel is the retreat
Of my slowing heart beat
Was it a crime?
To want a life that's mine?
Maybe things will turn out fine
If I get a chance next time.

This was all about the way I felt when a messed up heroin addict at 18yrs and all but the topping myself is true. I didn't have the bottle thankfully and am happy to be here to be able to express my thoughts and feelings in my lyrics. There are some very sensitive issues in these lyrics and I hope nobody will judge me on how it is expressed. Thank you for reading and I'll try make the next post a bit more 'Cheerful'. I just wanted to post this as after I wrote it I felt so emotional and had dug up some pretty shitty memories. Take care all. Love J xxxxx

Sweet Dreamz

Like sweets? Read this lol xxxxxxxxx

Sweet Dreamz

Sweetz to my sweet

My favourite treats

Instead of eating meat

They are what I'd rather eat

I like chewing chewy ones

Till they're all gone

I did have thirty one

Now I got none

I have the Sweetest Dreamz

Of peaceful scenes

So serene, Honey streams

Sherbert Sunbeams

Lollipop Trees

Glucose breeze

Rains Gelatine

I am a sugar dream fiend

Sweetz to my sweet

Taking all my money

Made from chocolate foil wrapped pennies

Ben and Jerry's

Chocolate bunny, sugar Dummy

Don't care about looking funny

To me they all taste yummy

Resting place is in my tummy

I'm the sweetest guy in town

Choc Lick by the mound

Cola cubes by the pound

The sweet shop is where I'm found

Feel the shaking ground

Someone shouts"Stay Puffs in town!"

Love it when he's around

Brought me marshmellows no doubt

Hope the Ghostbusters aren't about

My worst nightmare would be a sugar drought

Hopefully I won't be flat out

In my dreamz I ain't ever ill

My stomach you can never fill

I live right next to a biscuit hill

When I feel sick I take a Stemetil Pill

My day begins with Jelly Rings

And then it brings

All kindsa sweet things

In a tree I hear the sugar Bird sing

Sweetz to my sweet

retreat to my sweet seat

I eat them then repeat and me you could meet if you're asleep

I say sweets can't be beat

Ice cream feet, Sugar canes

Push pop lollies and liquid sweet brains

Who in their right mind would complain

Any sweets, I don't care about names

I've had sweets from all Sweet chains

Strawberry juice flowing through my veins

That's right strawberry juice

Cadbury's, Trebor, let me loose

So much choice and so much to choose

A sugar overdose and now I'm confused

Toffee apples are very hard to bruise
It won't stop anytime soon
The moon is made from a macaroon
Jelly Beans and Mr. Soft
That dude he rents my loft
In it are cushions of Koff candy Koff
But Mr. Soft is made of cloth
Don't tell him I told ya he gets fucked off
Everywhere I go,
People give me Haribo
Because I'm a grown up and love it so
Just so ya know, I flow with the flow
Don't offer me a regular starter food
You know it's Fruit Salads so don't be rude
Main course, Now listen up dude
If ya screw this up ya getting penny chewed
I want Black Jacks by the sack
Come on man, quick snap snap
Before I start to crack
Dessert, Roy of the Rovers
Gumball bulldozers
Super cola's
No more left? Well that's atrocious 


Sweetz to my sweet
Soon to be awoken
No more sweets for me I'm broken
Shit I'm choking
Hope I ain't croaking
Not to worry it's a piece of cookie dough son
In all my dreams I'm peaking
16 hours and again I be sleeping
Sweets I'll be eating
Thank you for reading, you added the sweetening

Such a sweet rhyme lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Alien Intrusions

This is a set of urban lyrics that describes my fear and confusion when I had suffered a delusion that had me lose grip completely with reality. I didn't even know who I was and believed that I was being controlled by Extra Terrestrials from another planet. Wasn't funny but now I can LMAO!!! Hope you enjoy ......

Alien Intrusions

Late one warm summer evening

I couldn't believe what I was having me believing

I was angry, confused and seething

I heard voices! Were they auditory hallucinations?

Or are they real?

Couldn't breathe or feel how I was supposed to feel

I took some pills for sedation

Couldn't go sleep but tried to be patient

Looked ok, but in my eyes it was vacant

It then seemed

I was being controlled by these beings

Fiends

Entering my dreams

I could hear them but they were left unseen

How come shit like this always has to be

Forever affecting me

I was happily living my happy life happily

Then E.T. comes along pleading insanity

Please would someone throw a slap at me!

Ever since I was 11years old

Alien transmitter planted in my damn ear lobe

Voices, constantly flowed

Like water flowing in a river yo! they never stopped talking

Swimming for reality, for me no walking

An invisible stalker and me it be stalking

They said to me"We are from a far and distant galaxy!"

Trying to remove me from reality and society

Asking if I work for them with the probable probability to hire me

Then Fire me

Putting me in the Priory

E.T. Aliens giving me orders

To mentally cross my mental borders

Acting shady

I tried to act not crazy

They gave my mind and me much needed reassurance

They told me "welcome aboard bruv!"

Never ever will I be the same again

Intrusion on my mind from aliens

Life forms

Arriving in swarms

Mentally in my mind  I was brewing up a storm

I wasn't even warned

They had no thought to warn me

A fuck up for eternity 

Forced to hear obscenities no sympathy

I hear them but can't see

If I didn't do as they told

What I behold made sure I got showed

Pains I detest

Deep in my chest

Then was the test a confession confessed

I'm anything but blessed

They said they wouldn't harm me

Arriving in an army

Forced to rob a pharmacy

Then erased my fucking memory

Hurry and bury me inside a cemetery

To rid me of my auditory enemy

Legs scarred from Stanley blade slices

Cutting deep to remove tracking devices

If nothing else this is a fucking crisis

Bio organism  transmitters in my chest and brain

Disobey

I feel an array of sharp pain

If I complain they do it again and again

Wishing soon that I'd be dying

Why am I crying? Dying, I'm lying I'm lying

I am the knot in the rope you are tying

Just a tangled metaphor for what I'm implying

Orders from the implanted informers

Causing me trauma

Backing me into a corner

Mental torturous torture

Attacked 24/7 from voices

In forces

Arriving in flying saucers

Try and jump the fence

Lacking evidence

Got to escape these Extra Terrestrial residents

Of a higher intelligence

Was sent to see a professional Doc

He had me put into a room and the lock was for sure locked

I was in a state of shock as I sat there and rocked

The voices in my head just laughed and mocked

They sedated me for many many days

In a haze was I crazy and stuck with this craze?

I kept screaming and shouting "They're Real!"

Nothing no praise

I was offered a deal

Take this medication

It will cause annihilation 

Of the auditory hallucinations

I imagined in my imagination

That I was on a sedated Vacation

Wanted out of here fast

So I did as I was asked

The voices still mock me and got the last laugh last

Tried but could not grasp

I needed to leave them in the past

Soon felt change in how I did feel

Reality was back and the voices not real

Never ever would I rob again or steal

Back on track

No more smack,crack even squidgy black

Try and not be slack

Mentally I did pack

A big bag of sense

And if ever again shit got tense

I would use medication to show them what I meant

Sending hallucinations back to where they had been sent

Hallucinations and Delusions

My mind I was losing

Confused confusion was confusing

Not real I say, Aliens impossible

To get the truth first must eliminate the improbable

The doctor wouldn't lie?Unless he was one of them and was unstoppable

If I saw it was a cover up I would have got a gun and shot them all

It'd be me ending up with a bruising

And a straight jacket of my very own choosing

I am confused from the confusion

To me

Always a conspiracy

An illusion 

That completely covered up my Alien Intrusion!!!!

I really hoped you liked this, I will say that I didn't when It was happening to me but now knowing I will maybe have auditory hallucinations for the rest of my life am learning to cope with it day after day. Feel free to leave comments and hope you enjoyed. Take care and love to you all xxxxxxxx

So, so sorry

This is an apology for you Lex and also a bit of a put me down,only so I could be satisfied I'd been well and truly told. XXXXX

So, so sorry

I wish I could have never caused you worry

Never done anything that left me with a need to be sorry

May as well have hit you with an emotional lorry

But you've always been there by me!

Showed you care instead of disappearing in a hurry

Couldn't understand, why me?

Nothing about me is even special

We got together and then you became

My life, my wife and roses petal

I'm soft in the head and I can be cold as metal

Hope everyday that meeting me you don't regret

Coz me meeting you makes me happy that we met

If worst comes to worst, you I couldn't forget

Without you my lifeline would be blind

Losing my way and unable to find

The right path and in my hand is that death warrant of mine

All done and signed

I sit back and start to unwind

Physically and mentally start to decline

Stood at the back of that longest line

For me there won't be anything more

Than that in my face, slammed door

Is this a forecast that I'd seen and then foreseen what I foresaw

No common sense so didn't realise what I'd done

Typically me, the fall wasn't fun

Caused you once again more pain, my number one

Now I've hurt you, life's dull and where sun once had shone

Should get me a gun

Would be over quick and wouldn't take long

I wouldn't be able to right any wrongs

Especially if I was dead and gone

Say "Sorry" so much it's no longer a word

But all that you've heard, you may be better off calling me "Dirt",

It's what I deserve for it was you that I'd hurt

I'm the idiot who chose to choose that choice

Sorry, sorry ******* is all that's my voice

Goes from sorry to a babble like noise

If I was a word then Sorry is me

Fits to a T

Pathetically, I'd accept a smack in the teeth

Don't want to leave, you are the belief I believe 

You I have disrespected 

Should have been ejected

Having neglected

Believe I should roll up my sleeve and be lethal injected

It would be what I'd receive and it'd be easily accepted

You I affected

Mentally, It didn't mean to be so pathetic

Yes, I regret it and hope no one is sympathetic

Ashamed from the pain I put you through

My face for this disgrace would welcome a steel toe shoe

Excuses lame, I wish I could do

1 Thing and take all the pain away from you

On me I would put it onto 

Deserve a kiss from a fist

All I have caused, well there's a big fucking list

Please let me back in

I will work my way up from the bin back to where we had been

Take it on the chin

Knowing the ice I walk on is really thin

Hope to get it back together

In rhyme not letter

Hope you forgive me and that I can be better. XXX

Hope it was ok. If it happened to be bit shit then please leave me a comment XXX Thank you XXX