This is for Lexi ( Keep Trying!)

These are some of the lyrics that I thought would be a good way of expressing how I was feeling before meeting my wife Lexi. I have put them in a way as to say to people who feel like giving up, "Keep Trying!". I was ready to give up on everything until Lexi came into my life. I had already got my suicide and everything prepared. Lex has given me the feeling of enjoyment in life and her friends who have accepted me have also shown me, "Life is a wonderful thing, Embrace it while you can!". I hope yo enjoy......

Ode To Lexi(Keep Trying,Don't Give Up!)

Ladies and gents,please stay sitting

You may feel faint from the words that I'm spitting

Trying to get as many syllables to fit in

Each line I say to you now

Some say ok and others ask me how?

How do I do what I do!

Then write it down when I've been through what I've been through?

It all began when my mind split into two

I started rhyming words even I didn't know I knew

Flowing from my soul and over my lips to you

I'm not mad,I ain't crazy

I may have been once but I'm no Slim Shady!

Everyone knew I was different since being a baby

Knowing my demise and thinking what will fucking save me?

I got offered a helping hand

From a big horned heavy set Red Man

He filled me with hatred, gave me a pocket full of sand

My head filled with torment and a hope to kick the can

I had a nasty drug fuelled habit

Not funny, no money and a life worth shit

More than I could chew was what I had bit

Stuck for a lifetime in a self loathing pit

I felt sick, had to sit

Felt vile and the bile, I got a taste of it

Heavy drug abuse left me stuck on an eternal trip

Rotting like fruit but fortunate I am the pip

I'm on the edge and all it takes is one slip

Losing my mind, man I got to get a grip

Will I ever feel safe to walk down a street

and maybe stand on my own two feet?

Learn the meaning of life and turn down the heat?

Keep what I've learnt and remember what to keep!

Get some sleep, take a sleeper

I was to afraid that I'd meet the Reaper

Begging, screaming

Paranoid to the point there was nothing less demeaning

I wanted to be trusted so agreed to drug screening

Negative results for all the drugs I used to take

A constant reminder for my stupid mistakes

It's Birthday and no fucking cake

A massive head ache and as usual I'm late

great!

And just for fucks sake,

My mind & body couldn't cope with the intake

When and why or maybe maybe never

I might have a chance to put an end to this terror

If I can just find the secret lever

My suffering will end from what my mind does endeavour

Switch off the shit that makes me the error

"Error!" "Reload Page!"

This is what my mind repeatedly says

I'm only 23 but look 49 in age

It makes me feel caged and fills me with rage

A tainted mind,soul and heart

Was once one but then was ripped apart

From the start my mental health diminished

Don't recall the beginning but prepared for the finish!

I release my frustrations and shit I don't like

Write them down on paper as I don't have a mic

I suppose it's better than the light of a crack pipe

You can take class C's A's and B's and have 'em

And if I was to ever slip and trip taking another dip inside that cavern

I'd end up a thug,

A waste of space mug

Hooked again on the drug that almost left me in the mud

Inside of the hole that I myself had dug

Being feasted upon by the worst of bugs

Can I be saved

Before I end up in my grave

Because of being a slave to a money making trade?

Dealers don't care it's your life gave

Left to fade into the life that you made!

My life felt like I was on a turn table

Without a gap

Just a trap and slap

The excuse that I ain't able

Too pathetic to escape this vicious circle

I woke every morning feeling shit

Steal something quick so I don't get sick

And was it all worth that one lousy hit?

And the same tomorrow,you don't want a life like this

Never a hit and always a miss

Day after day taking the piss

Another punch in the face from a class A fist! Are you getting the jist?

Wishing for a piece of pie so humble

Instead I got a cookie that did fuck all but crumble

Words I spoke came out in a mumble

A trip and shit, I'm heading for a tumble

Leaving me where? Do I really care?

Sitting here in a pit of despair

Trapping me in a institution

Is this an illusion, alien intrusion, just a delusion?

Confusion

Voices commanding me to do what I don't want to do

If I disobey I get pain through & through

Five years later, still incarcerated, slated

I'm the cheese waiting to be grated

I then felt unusually elated

Said to myself that I'll do what I can

Try and fix what I had caused when the shit hit the fan

I shed a lot of weight from all the crap I ate

I was so greedy I would've if I could've eaten the plate

Kept the weight away and bad food I was refraining

from eating that crap and focused on my training

Physically, mentally better, posting a mental lyrical letter

To my subconscious not to forget

Mind and body ready and set

Left my home of medium secure

Hoping my plan hadn't a flaw

When I get free I will go and score, ending my life just once more!

I met someone who left me unsure

Of my plan and opened a door

I always tried to smile but inside I was hurting

My entire life was what I'll be forever regretting

This person, she showed me the way

Kept me close by so that I wouldn't stray

Visited me day after day, my heart felt strange but in a good way

Indescribable so much that words cannot say

There was a day she was unable to visit

It'd be ok, one day, I could live it

I had a hug for her but was unable to give it

Feelings I couldn't describe, then I realized

Tears I was unable to hide as I cried

To whom can I confide,

Imagining me and her kissing

Feeling sad because it was her I was missing

Her name, Lexi, so sexy and never had she kept me

Hidden from the feelings that she had to let me

Know all along, please I need forgiving

6months of hints that she'd been giving

I needed a swift kick up the ass, we spoke of our pasts as we sat on the grass

How shit they were, she held my hand I held hers

Hoping that she wouldn't notice my tears

From insecure fears

Never did I think that she would be my wife and life

would be great, no hate

It don't get given on a plate

You have to work for it bit it's well worth the wait

No if it's rainy or outside it's grey

It's always to me a sunny day

I love my life and I love living

Thanks to Lexi for helping and giving

A meaning of a life worth while

Guaranteed to to win the race, first place

To the very last mile

So whenever you think you can't go on, remember these few things to be done

You get your fair share of bastards and bitches

Bruised emotions and scars that won't need stitches

Glitches, then you stuck in the ditches

But some day be it grand, comes a helping hand

Life is unpredictable and not explainable

But one thing that is obtainable

A fact that is sustainable

and that is there is soulmate for all

A long long run is that last mile

But worth it at the end because waiting is love and smile!!!

For anyone who got sick of reading that halfway through I do apologise. I get carried away sometimes and believe it or not I have shortened this version. Just imagine it a blog entry but rhyming all the way. Hope you enjoyed. I have to dedicate this one to my wonderful wife Lexi, who has given me the inspiration to write down my feelings although they be in rhyme. Love you always Lex. Take care all. xxx